Amy Alkon

The Advice Goddess by Amy Alkon

Breaking Out  I've been with my girlfriend for over a year, and I love her and think she's beautiful. However, she is very insecure about her looks, and she asks me all the time whether I think she looks pretty. It's getting tiring constantly reassuring her. Is there some tool I could be using to help her feel more secure? -- Stumped 

 I'm sure it's exhausting doing the daily "Hi, gorgeous!" skywriting and cleaning up after the rented elephant that pulls the "You're beautiful, baby!" billboard.

Only -- oh, wait...you're actually just tired from verbally "reassuring her," which, admittedly, probably takes at least several words and a whole 10 seconds -- if you include the time it takes for her to beam and go, "Reeeeally?!"

Yes, it is important for you to reassure her -- but, in doing that, motivation counts. Social psychologist Shelly Gable finds that relationships tend to be happier when those in them are guided by "approach" rather than "avoidance" goals. In normal-person terms, this means striving for positive outcomes rather than trying to avoid negative ones. In this case, an avoidance goal would be telling your girlfriend she's beautiful in order to keep her from nagging you, but taking the "approach" approach would be doing it because you want her to feel good. And here's a secret: Break out the compliments before she asks and you might keep her from starting to worry that she needs "extra-coverage" makeup -- the kind that involves scaffolding, three workmen, and $200 worth of drywall.  

When Push Comes To Love:  I've been dating a 55-year-old guy for a year. I have two teenage boys; he has no kids. He initially mentioned marriage but now doesn't want to "rush" moving in with me and my boys. As a first step, he's moving closer. He just signed a lease on an apartment near me. I love him, but I'm overwhelmed handling two teenagers alone. Should I tell him he needs to speed up the pace? -- Questioning His Commitment 

If a relationship leads to an outpouring of feelings, a man tends to prefer "You're the love of my life!" to "Screw you! You're not my real dad!"

Perhaps because you're seeing this through "I need a break!"-colored glasses, you confuse being careful with not caring. But zoologist Amotz Zahavi has some good news for you. His research finds that when a message involves some expense to the sender, it's more likely to be for real. For example, anyone can claim they're committed, but as the saying goes, talk is cheap. Moving, however, is not. It's costly. Stressful. Horrible. Especially if you are older than 21 and own more than a sleeping bag, a Nintendo, and a couple of bongs.

Your boyfriend may ultimately decide that the package here isn't for him, but pressuring him is unlikely to help. In fact, it's likely to pressure him right out of your life. There's a reason he doesn't have kids, and it probably isn't that he was too put off by the possibility of life imprisonment to kidnap a few at the mall.

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